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> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's
> a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
> particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of
> the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
>
> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
> you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
> was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
> dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
>
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
> blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
> for these kids: lucky bastards.
>
> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
> you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
> idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
> New Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
> care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>
> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
> aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
> taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
> flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
> your flavored water.
>
> New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
> redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
> top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
> open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
> just solved the Social Security crisis.
>
> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
> asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
> half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
> cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one
> NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
>
> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
> card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
> deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
> kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
> Almond Joy.
>
> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
> doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
> And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
> anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
> You're not spiritual. You're just high.
>
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
> deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
> Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
> too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!?
> They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>
> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
> M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
> old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
> remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
> remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
> is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
> weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
> rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
> for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
>
> New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
> attendants.? After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
> mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
> he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't
> want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
>
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
> months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
> cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
>
> New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
> pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or
> tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future
> around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
>
Robert Bond San Jose Ca
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